Searching for the summer
This is me at 7 years old, conquering my little world. We were finishing kindergarten for the summer, and I was reciting a poem. Standing on top of the world - proud, determined, and strong - even though just moments before I was trembling with fear. Scared that I was going to fail, scared what everyone would think of me, scared that I wasn't enough and that I was going to let my teacher and parents down. Yet somehow, I found the courage to stand there, to speak my truth, to be seen.
40 years later, and the story repeats itself. You would have thought after four decades of living, of loving, of falling and rising again, I'd have everything figured out by now. That those childhood insecurities would have faded into distant memory. Yet here I am, still doubting myself, still worrying what everyone thinks, still fighting that same battle between fear and courage. The stage may have changed, but the feelings remain hauntingly familiar.
This young boy was wise beyond his years, resilient in ways I sometimes forget. Full of love that hadn't yet learned to be cautious. Authentic and caring without the armor that life eventually teaches us to wear. Sitting today, looking at this faded photograph, I'm almost envious of that innocence, that pure-hearted approach to life. Looking deep inside to my purpose and journey, I realize this is who I want to be again. That young Kosta who stood tall despite his fears.
I want to send you, little Kosta, all the strength and love I have for what is going to follow over the next 40 years. The triumphs and heartbreaks, the laughter and tears that will shape you. I want you to know, with absolute certainty, that it wasn't your fault. Please remember that when things become difficult and the world feels too heavy to bear, you are okay at your core. When you are consumed by your fears, paralyzed by doubt, know that you are safe, even when it doesn't feel like it. When you're eaten alive by shame and guilt that threatens to define you, know that I love you unconditionally, the way you deserved to be loved all along.
It wasn't your parents' fault either. They only wanted love - to show and to give it in the ways they knew how. Their own journey, with all its complications and unspoken hurts, shaped them into who they were. They were pure in their own way, doing their best with the tools they had. And when everything doesn't make sense, when their actions leave you confused and searching, just remember they were children once too, standing on their own stages, fighting their own fears.
Please remember, little one, it is not your fault. It is not your fault that this young man did what he did. He probably was hiding his own pain and shame beneath actions that would leave lasting marks. Please know that you have so much love inside you - an endless well that somehow never runs dry despite how much is taken. You are surrounded by people who truly love you, even when you cannot see them through the darkness. When you feel lonely, when the isolation threatens to swallow you whole, I am there to hold you, to tell you I love you, and that you don't need to carry this burden alone for the next 40 years. You never did.
Know that the world we live in is more beautiful than you think. It is not what you see on the news, in violent movies, or on this little screen that will eventually dictate so much of our daily life. The world has gardens of kindness blooming in unexpected places, moments of connection that will sustain you through the hardest times. Know that everything is and will be okay, and that when desperation takes over like a thick, impenetrable fog, know that it will not be forever. The wind will eventually dissolve it... and every time the fog comes back, you will find the beauty within it, learn to dance with your shadows rather than run from them.
Little Kosta, today I promise you that I will be there. In your darkest moments and your brightest triumphs. That you are safe within me, within the man you helped create. That your light - your eternal, beautiful light - guides me to keep going, to remain true to you, full of the love and kindness that has always been your essence. Thank you, my little man, for your courage then and now. For standing on that platform, for reciting that poem, for being exactly who you needed to be in that moment. For showing me the way back home to myself.
ΚΑΛΟΚΑΙΡΙ
This photograph captures a moment frozen in time - standing on a small wooden platform against a backdrop of children's artwork with "ΚΑΛΟΚΑΙΡΙ" (summer) written across the top. My "MAJA, the Bee" t-shirt, a famous kid show at the time, hangs loosely on my small frame, light shorts and dark socks completing my performance outfit. What the camera couldn't capture was the storm of emotions beneath my excited expression. Four decades later, this image serves as both a reminder of how far I've come and how much of that little boy still lives within me, still needs reassurance, still deserves love.
