The Invisible Weight: When Compassion Becomes Our Burden

"Compassion fatigue is a state experienced by those helping people in distress; it is an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those being helped to the degree that it can create secondary traumatic stress for the helper." — Charles R. Figley, Ph.D., Compassion Fatigue: Coping with Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder in Those Who Treat the Traumatized (1995)

I start this with the definition of compassion fatigue not to set the intention or nature of this article, but simply to validate your potential concerns that what you have been feeling is real and well-documented.

Let me begin with my own journey of empathy, compassion, but also a lack of boundaries and self-love. If you have been reading my blogs, you'll know by now that my father has always been my inspiration—a man of abundant smiles, kindness, and love for every living being. But he was also someone who didn't know how to say no, how to prioritize himself, and how not to feel guilty when, on rare occasions, he chose to look after himself.

Just to give you an idea: my father was a mental health nurse. Not the kind who talks a lot (like myself), but the kind you can imagine working in places reminiscent of scenes from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. During his 25-year nursing career, he was praised numerous times, but there was one occasion when he pushed all limits and boundaries—even for himself. In a massive room housing at least 50 men with different diagnoses, ranging from severe autism to advanced dementia, psychosis, and catatonic depression, a fire broke out. My father not only managed to evacuate all mobile individuals but also carried or dragged the bedbound men to safety before the room was engulfed in flames.

Now you have a sense of who my inspiration is but also my Achilles' heel. As a human being and a health professional, I have always practiced going above and beyond, often lacking the ability to set boundaries and riddled with guilt and shame. Professionally, it was slightly easier as I had a framework that somewhat protected me. Thankfully, through my healing and experiential journey, I have been able to change my approach and navigate my kindness and compassion based on self-love.

The Two Faces of Compassion Fatigue

Now, back to compassion fatigue. How might you be experiencing it? As a health professional, it may stem from ongoing exposure to people's pain, suffering, and traumas. It might be the passing of patients and the difficult conversations with their loved ones. Or, it could be the gruesome end to a life taken suddenly as a first responder.

This is the obvious compassion fatigue, the one for which organizations often provide assistance through Employee Assistance Programs (EAP), education, and support.

But there's another form of compassion fatigue and this one is almost invisible. This is the kind that has integrated itself into one's life and has become akin to an alter ego. It's that part of us that has lost appetite, is constantly tired, can't sleep, and doesn't remember the last time we laughed or did something for ourselves. It's the part of us that knows things need to change but feels conditioned to continue functioning this way. These individuals have created expectations among their loved ones, and if they decide to go against the "usual scenario," they're met with, "What's wrong with you? That's not like you!"

These might be caregivers for sick loved ones, friends who are always there to help you when you need them the most, the people who consistently donate to every possible cause, the empaths who feel everything at any given time, whether as a somatic or intellectual response. The people who feel the collective pain and can't stay in silence and who fight battles others are too scared to face.

If you are one of these individuals, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Perhaps you already feel my words having a visceral resonance.

This Is for You

This is for you, my beautiful human beings. This is not for the other half, we need them so we can keep looking after them and they need us. This is about us and how we can do this better. How we can do it from a place of love and abundance, not from a place of pain, suffering, and a lack of self-love.

Start by acknowledging your strength, your capabilities, and most importantly, everything you have done or created. YOU ARE AMAZING, and you couldn't have done more. It's as simple as that. Read it, say it, breathe it, smell it. Do whatever you need to, but know that you are enough and have done enough. Now it's time to turn that energy inward and then pour it back out.

Two Key Insights for Healing

There is ample research out there on self-compassion and strategies to minimize compassion fatigue. I would like to focus on two key insights that can help significantly: the ability to know what's yours and the emotional and energetic boundaries.

Emotional Discernment: Creating Your Invisible Filter

Being able to separate yourself from people's pain and suffering is essential. It is okay to understand that you can't carry their struggle, even if you care deeply for them. It is okay to want to take their suffering away, but you can't carry it for them. How do you do that? By creating almost an invisible filter. This will help you understand your own compassion limitations. As you know these limitations are real, decide what you will be absorbing. This process is called emotional discernment.

Boundaries: Your Lifeline to Sustainable Compassion

What about your boundaries? Equally important. You feel like you are not doing much? That you can help them more even at your own detriment? That is when you cross your own boundaries and fast-track resentment and burnout. You are not supposed to suffer equally; you are supposed to care for them. You are able to continue giving the love they need from a place of abundance. If your own energy is running out, it is inevitable that you won't be able to continue offering compassion.

Coming Home to Ourselves

Compassion fatigue can quietly creep in, even when our intentions are full of love and service. If you've ever found yourself emotionally drained, snapping at the people you care about, or questioning your ability to keep showing up, know that you're not alone, and there's no shame in feeling worn out. We're not meant to carry everyone's pain, just to walk alongside it with care and awareness. What helps most is coming back to ourselves, checking in, setting boundaries, and offering ourselves the same kindness we so freely give to others. As Dr. Kristin Neff beautifully puts it, "Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others."