How Letting Go of Control Can Ease Anxiety
Executive Summary
For many men, growing up meant learning a specific set of rules: be the rock, handle your problems quietly, and never show when you are struggling. This guide demystifies the anxiety that often results from these rigid expectations. Drawing on a 2021 study by researchers Andrew Boxer and Peter Richard Gill, it explores how the intense pressure of "Exaggerated Self-Reliance and Control" drives anxiety. Most importantly, it offers a hopeful, evidence-based perspective on healing, introducing the concept of "Spiritual Openness"—a willingness to connect with something larger than oneself and accept external support as a sustainable path forward.
Key Takeaways
Self-Reliance Can Be a Trap: The belief that a man must handle everything on his own and maintain absolute control over his life is a significant driver of anxiety.
The Gap Creates Tension: Trying to live up to rigid masculine ideals creates a gap between societal expectations and our lived reality. This tension, known as gender role strain, breeds anxiety.
Spiritual Openness is Protective: Connecting with something larger than ourselves—whether that is nature, community, or shared humanity—can buffer against the anxiety caused by masculine expectations.
Letting Go is Not Giving Up: Accepting that you cannot control everything and being open to external support is a different, more sustainable kind of strength.
Connection is the Antidote: Healing begins when we create safe spaces to put down our armour and connect authentically with others.
Introduction: The Weight of the Armour
For many of us, growing up meant learning a very specific set of rules about what it takes to be a man. We were taught to be the rock. We learned to handle our problems quietly, push through the pain, and never show when we were struggling. We put on a suit of armour to protect ourselves and those around us. But what happens when that armour becomes too heavy to carry?
In my work across health settings and through my own lived experiences, I have seen the toll this takes. The pressure to constantly have it all together is exhausting. Recent research confirms what many of us have felt in our bones: the rigid expectations of traditional masculinity can significantly impact our mental health.
A 2021 study by researchers Andrew Boxer and Peter Richard Gill explored this exact challenge . They looked at how different aspects of masculinity—specifically the need to be successful, restrict emotions, avoid affection, and rely entirely on oneself—affect anxiety in men. Their findings shed light on why so many men feel trapped and, more importantly, how we might find a way out.
The Trap of Exaggerated Self-Reliance
The researchers found that trying to live up to these rigid masculine ideals creates a gap between what society expects of us and what we actually experience. When we inevitably fall short of being the indestructible, emotionless provider, it creates tension. This tension, often called gender role strain, is a breeding ground for anxiety .
One of the most profound findings from the study centred on "Exaggerated Self-Reliance and Control." This is the belief that a man must handle everything on his own and maintain absolute control over his life and emotions.
| The Belief | The Reality | The Result |
|---|---|---|
| I must handle everything on my own. | Life brings challenges too big for one person to carry. | Isolation, exhaustion, and feeling overwhelmed. |
| I must maintain absolute control over my life and emotions. | We cannot control everything, and suppressing emotions takes immense energy. | Fear of losing control, leading to intense anxiety and emotional shutdown. |
| Reaching out for help is a sign of weakness or failure. | Seeking support is a natural human need and a sign of self-awareness. | Remaining stuck in a cycle of silent struggle. |
Imagine trying to hold back the ocean with a single bucket. The sheer effort required to maintain that level of control is overwhelming. When life inevitably brings waves we cannot manage alone, the fear of losing control or being seen as weak triggers intense anxiety. We become isolated in our struggles, convinced that reaching out for help is a failure.
A Different Kind of Strength: Spiritual Openness
But the research also offered a powerful insight into how we can ease this burden. Boxer and Gill investigated whether having spiritual beliefs could act as a buffer against this anxiety .
When we talk about spirituality in this context, we are not necessarily talking about organized religion. It is about "Spiritual Openness" and "Spiritual Support"—the willingness to connect with something larger than ourselves, whether that is nature, a community, or a sense of shared humanity. It is the understanding that we do not have to carry the weight of the world on our own shoulders.
The study revealed something crucial: spirituality only protected against anxiety when it helped men let go of that exaggerated need for self-reliance and control . If a man was open to external support and willing to accept that he cannot control everything, his anxiety decreased.
Think of it like being caught in a strong river current. The traditional masculine response is to fight the current, to try and swim upstream through sheer force of will. This is exhausting and often leads to drowning in anxiety. Spiritual openness is the act of rolling onto your back, trusting the water to hold you, and allowing the current to guide you to the shore. It is not giving up; it is a different, more sustainable kind of strength.
Dropping the Armour: Practical Steps
What does this mean for us in our daily lives? It means recognizing that the rules we were taught about being a man might not be serving us anymore. If you are feeling the crushing weight of anxiety, it might be time to examine how tightly you are holding onto the need for control.
Here are a few ways to begin letting go:
1.Acknowledge the Weight: Honestly assess how much pressure you are putting on yourself to handle everything alone. Recognize that this expectation is a learned belief, not a fact.
2.Challenge the Need for Control: When you feel anxiety rising, ask yourself: "What am I trying to control right now that is actually out of my hands?"
3.Practice Small Vulnerabilities: You do not have to share your deepest traumas immediately. Start by admitting to a trusted mate when you are simply having a tough day or feeling overwhelmed.
4.Connect with Something Larger: Spend time in nature, join a community group, or participate in a men's circle. Remind yourself that you are part of a broader human experience.
Conclusion: True Strength in Connection
We need to create spaces where we can safely put down our armour. This is the core purpose of The Men Spirit. Whether it is through men's circles, workshops, or simply a conversation with a trusted mate, connecting with others is a vital step.
It takes immense courage to admit that we do not have all the answers. But in that vulnerability, we find genuine connection and resilience. We begin to understand that true strength is not about never needing support; it is about having the wisdom to know when we do.
If you are finding the weight too much to carry, you do not have to do it alone. Reach out, connect, and let the current hold you for a while.
