Why "Not All Men" Misses the Point And What We Can Do Instead
Executive Summary
When conversations about women’s safety and gender-based violence arise, a common reflex for many men is to respond with, "But not all men do that." While factually true, this response often derails the conversation and dismisses the lived reality of women. The "Maltesers metaphor" which asks us to imagine a box of chocolates where just one in ten is poisoned, perfectly illustrates why women must remain vigilant around all men. This article explores the origins of the #NotAllMen deflection, explains the psychology behind our urge to defend ourselves, and offers a non-shaming invitation for men to trade defensiveness for curiosity. It provides practical steps for men to listen deeply, take accountability, and help create a culture of safety.
Introduction: The Instinct to Defend
Imagine you are scrolling through social media or sitting around a table with friends, and the topic turns to women’s safety. A woman shares an experience of harassment, or a news story breaks about another tragic instance of gender-based violence.
For many men, the immediate internal reaction is a tightening in the chest and a rush of defensiveness. Before we even realise it, the words are out of our mouths or typed into a comment box: "But not all men are like that. I would never do that."
It is a natural human instinct to want to distance ourselves from harmful behaviour. We want to be seen as the "good guys." But while the statement "not all men" is factually accurate, it fundamentally misses the point. It shuts down the conversation, invalidates the experiences being shared, and centers our own comfort over the safety of others.
To truly understand why this response is so unhelpful, we need to look at a simple but powerful analogy that has been circulating online for years: the Maltesers metaphor.
The Maltesers Metaphor Explained
The #NotAllMen hashtag gained significant traction around 2014, often used by men to deflect conversations about systemic misogyny. In response, women began searching for ways to explain the constant, exhausting vigilance required to navigate public and private spaces.
In March 2021, following the tragic murder of Sarah Everard in the UK, a tweet by Professor Linda K. Kaye captured the essence of the female experience perfectly. She wrote:
"No, not all men. But if I gave you a box of Maltesers and told you that one in 10 was actually a nugget of shit rolled into a ball and dipped in milk chocolate, you'd be wary of all of them, wouldn't you?"
The analogy quickly went viral, adapted by countless creators on platforms like TikTok and Instagram. Sometimes the metaphor uses poisoned chocolates or defective Whoppers, but the core message remains the same: When you cannot tell the safe ones from the dangerous ones just by looking at them, you have to treat all of them with caution.
The Maltesers metaphor cuts through the noise. It shifts the focus away from the individual man's bruised ego and shines a light on the systemic reality women face. Women do not walk home with their keys between their fingers because they believe every single man is a predator. They do it because the stakes of guessing wrong are simply too high.
Why Do We Say "Not All Men"?
If the logic of the Maltesers metaphor is so clear, why do so many of us still feel the urge to say "not all men"?
None of us are born wanting to invalidate the pain of others. This reaction is often rooted in deeply ingrained beliefs and fears:
The Fear of Being Labeled: As men, we are often taught that our value is tied to our character and reputation. When we hear men being discussed as a threat, we feel personally implicated. We say "not all men" because we are desperate to prove we belong in the "safe" category.
A Lack of Emotional Literacy: Many of us grew up in environments where vulnerability was punished and emotional suppression was rewarded. When faced with the uncomfortable reality of women's fear, we lack the tools to sit with that discomfort. Defensiveness becomes a shield against feelings of guilt or helplessness.
Misunderstanding Systemic Issues: We tend to view sexism and violence as the actions of a few "bad apples" rather than a systemic issue that we all participate in and benefit from. We fail to see that our silence, our complicity in "locker room talk," and our unexamined biases contribute to the very culture that makes women unsafe.
The Cost of Defensiveness
The problem with the "not all men" response is not just that it is annoying; it is actively harmful.
When a woman shares her fear or trauma and we respond with "not all men," we are essentially saying: "My need to feel like a good person is more important than your need to be safe."
It derails the conversation, forcing women to pause their own healing or advocacy to reassure us of our goodness. It prevents us from listening to what is actually being said. Most importantly, it absolves us of responsibility. If we convince ourselves that the problem is only "those other guys," we never have to look at our own behaviour or challenge the men around us.
An Invitation to Curiosity and Accountability
This is not about shame. Shame is a paralyzing emotion that keeps us stuck in old patterns. The goal is not for men to walk around feeling inherently toxic or guilty for existing. The goal is to move from defensiveness to curiosity, and from complicity to accountability.
The men who inspire real change are not those who have never made mistakes; they are the ones who are willing to listen, reflect, and do things differently. Here is how we can start:
1. Sit With the Discomfort
The next time you hear a conversation about women's safety and feel the urge to say "not all men," pause. Notice the physical sensation of defensiveness in your body. Take a breath and ask yourself: Why am I feeling threatened right now? What am I trying to protect? You do not have to voice these thoughts immediately. Just observe them.
2. Listen to Understand, Not to Reply
When women share their experiences, our job is not to play devil's advocate, offer solutions, or defend our gender. Our job is to listen. Validate their reality. A simple, "I hear you, and I am sorry you have to deal with that," goes much further than a defensive rebuttal.
3. Shift the Focus Inward
Instead of expending energy proving you are one of the "good ones," redirect that energy toward self-reflection. Ask yourself: How have I benefited from a system that prioritises male comfort? Have I ever stayed silent when a mate made a degrading joke? How can I show up differently tomorrow?
4. Challenge the "Bad Maltesers"
True allyship means taking on the uncomfortable work of challenging other men. When you are in a space with only men and someone crosses a line, speak up. It does not require aggression; it requires integrity. "I don't find that funny," or "That's not okay to say," disrupts the silent agreement that harmful behaviour is acceptable.
Conclusion: Becoming a Safe Space
The Maltesers metaphor is a sobering reminder of the reality women navigate every day. It asks us to put our egos aside and acknowledge a truth that is deeply uncomfortable: to many women, we are all potential threats until proven otherwise.
We cannot change that reality by shouting "not all men" louder. We can only change it through consistent, accountable action. We change it by listening without defensiveness, examining our own biases, and having the courage to hold our brothers accountable.
Your defensiveness has always been a reflex. Your curiosity is a choice. And that choice, made consistently and courageously, is what builds the kind of society where the Maltesers metaphor is no longer needed.
References
Kaye, L. K. [@LindaKKaye]. (2021, March 15). I think this sums up a lot of the discussions on Twitter over the last few days. No, not all men. But if I gave you a box of Maltesers and told you that one in 10 was actually a nugget of shit rolled in to a ball and dipped in milk chocolate, you'd be wary of all of them, wouldn't you? [Tweet]. Twitter. https://x.com/LindaKKaye/status/1371348110388121625
